Belong To Me.


I got some good news this morning and immediately I wanted to share it with you.
I got as far as picking up my phone before I stopped myself.

I read somewhere that people in love always think the other person is too good for them.
That feeling of “What did I do to deserve you?” is what apparently keeps them in love.
Because as long as you think the other person can have better than you, you will do everything you can to keep them by your side and as long as you both feel that way, you’ll be happy. Because you’ll both be trying.
The old me would dismiss this piece of information with a derisive snort. Seriously. I deserve everybody that has ever walked into my life. I am awesome. There is nobody on this planet I do not deserve.
Normally, I don’t apply clichés about love and life to my life. But with us, I feel like everything is a cliché. Like I am living one long joke or story or whatever and you are the punch line. You are the climax. You are the end. I know. I am corny. I was never corny before.

The new me is suddenly finding clichés about love everywhere. She is picking them up like an interesting object you find whilst cleaning out your room. Familiar but long forgotten. She is examining them and looking at them in relation to her life. She is finding that although her mind is telling her that she does not need this object, that she was fine before this thing came along, her heart is telling her that it fits. That even while she shakes her head, her hands are putting it on the shelf in a space made right for it. That this thing is joining all the other things she keeps. It is now a part of her treasure trove. That this weird, different, new me actually likes the clichés. That the clichés are so accurate, they must have been written by me, somewhere in the future, I must have written them and then travelled back in time (because of course time travel exists in the future) to tell them to myself in odd ways. Through books and corny Ben Stiller movies and friends.
And the new me wants to tell you everything.

What stopped me? What made me consciously put my phone down and do something else?

That feeling that I did not deserve you. That you were not – that you ARE not – mine. You do not belong to me. I cannot just tell you everything because you will probably leave for someone better and I will get hurt. I don’t want to be too hurt though so I will not tell you everything. I will wean myself off from you. Gradually in an effort to make my healing easier. I will not belong to you.

The new me knows that the old me would never have gotten herself into this predicament. That the old me would not have even wanted to share anything with you in the first place. Such is life.

Three hours later, after crying through a stack of books and eating a truckload of ice cream I am suddenly realizing that I am still as awesome as I have always been. That the new me and the old me are all just different sides of ME. Like an alternate universe in a star trek episode, I switched from one to the other without realizing that bad Spock and the good Spock are both just different sides of the same Spock. So I am still awesome and even if I don’t deserve him, he doesn’t know it yet and he probably doesn’t deserve me either and that is what is amazing about this world and about clichés and about all love stories and movies that two people who don’t deserve each other, who have no business being together end up with each other.

And I call him and suddenly he is here in my house, sitting with me and talking to me and right in the middle of us discussing Dorian Gray over a glass of cheap wine (isn’t it odd how people always end up having deep conversations when they’re tipsy?), he looks straight at me and asks “what did I do to deserve you?” and I laugh a laugh that is part relief and part intoxication and many parts awesome and answer “I have no idea.”

It is such a good feeling to belong to someone.

*******************************************************************************************************************
Just a couple of housekeeping announcements, I may not be posting as much on here ( sorry. or not) but you can still read stuff from me and other amazing writers on thersvpshow.com just click Authors at the top and find me-Rowie Hammond – in the list of authors.
Second, i am looking for a guest writer to help me with a couple of things. So if you’re interested, you can email me at rowiehammond@gmail.com and also, i am forever answering your questions, about my blog, about writing or even personal questions about my life. I will put them on here or just shoot you an email at your request. So you can also email me.

And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated so if you have the time or are super busy, try to leave a comment.

Peace & Love in the motherland.
Rowie.

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