Every Time I see You


I thought it was all over.

I mean time is supposed to heal all wounds isn’t it?

how much time? months? years?

cos it’s been what, 7 months and the wound is still there.

Gaping

a large hole that just seems to get bigger and bigger every time i see you.

but i can deal with the wound. It’s become a part of me. 

It’s almost welcome because it reminds me that i am alive. That i have a heart. 

 

It’s the shortness of breath i can’t deal with. 

The one i get every time i see you

every time i catch a glimpse of you from across a room,

or when i see your head bent over your laptop.

That clenching of my stomach that makes me stop and hold myself back.

Stop myself from coming to you and stroking the back of your neck

Stop myself from smiling at you, 

because your smile makes it hurt more.

and i can’t bear to see you smile back at me

when i know

i know it’s just a smile.

It has no hidden meanings

It holds no promises.

Just a smile.

 

Smiles on their own are meaningless.

Annoying actually 

because they are a reminder that people lie.

That people are people and cannot be trusted. 

That someone you think you know,

someone you think knows you,

was just smiling

on their way out the door. 

 

And here i am, 

ranting about smiles

when there is still a gaping hole

and a clenching of my stomach

every time i see you

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4 thoughts on “Every Time I see You

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